I'm constantly surprised at the ability of the universe to hand me what I need, so long as I'm open to receiving it. When you're open and aware of the delights that occur daily, you begin to revel in each discovery of the fates.
You know that feeling when you lie on the grass and it's sunny but not hot, and there are conversations between bees happening in the sky above your head... You lie back on the picnic blanket, and all feels right with the world? Everything becomes crystal clear, you feel at once infinite and insignificant, feeling your place within the Universe... My favorite occurrence was on the lawn at Washington Park, about 17 years ago. I was laying on the sloped lawn, looking up at the sky, and it just happened. Everything clicked. It's happened a few times since then, once I was meditating in the room at KCC (not in any way, shape or form reaching any enlightenment - no way, this was just an "Aha!" moment), once I was in England sitting on a cattle gate, looking out over the lush green landscape, and all of a sudden I began to understand the ways in which that layer of life fit in. I need to meditate more. But we're moving on. Let's not dwell for the moment on my lack of spiritual practice, and focus more on the intellectual aspect of a fulfilling life... (adding "improve spiritual practice" to the "To Do" list.)
Have you ever dreamt in the night of the solutions for every problem before you, waking in the morning with every answer you needed, laying fresh beside you? Sometimes I dream in German (I don't speak German, to my conscious knowledge...) and sometimes I solve complex problems and math equations in my dreams. Whether these things are true (actual German and mathematics) is secondary. It's the feeling of knowledge and competency that occurs after a dream like this. I like these dreams.
Sometimes, I feel this way when I listen to a particular arrangement of Ravel's Boléro. The drums, straightforward and marching, like a hedgerow - and suddenly, the soaring notes of the trumpet through the crescendo... I know that some of you have heard me talk about it before. I feel the same way about Vivaldi's Allegro 1 - the Double Trumpet Concerto. It feels as though I belong - as though I am connected to every fiber of every being. There's something about the trumpet that elicits a special attention - I feel at home in that music.
I love that feeling. It happened also, when I took some hallucinogenic mushrooms (Mi parental units, if you're reading, I'm seriously sorry to reveal this - but I did it once, and although it was a life changing experience I do not condone it or recommend it to anyone. Cause now I'm older and not as stupid as when I was in college, and drugs scare the shit out of me now. *wince* Sorry. Also, that's the worst I ever did). I wish I could find that feeling, the absolute truth that everything is connected by invisible webs - every part and parcel of every *thing* on the earth is connected by energy - I want that every single day, but the truth is that my days are often plagued with doubt. Doubt that I know what I'm doing (fake it til you make it), worry that I'm making (or will make) the wrong decisions... Panic that I might completely fuck something up... But then I have to remember something. No matter what choice I make, I ultimately believe that it will be the right one - either I choose "poorly" and I learn a lesson that clearly needed to be learned, or I choose "wisely" and I benefit in some way (or someone else benefits, but I'm trying to just work on me, here. The rest of y'all have to make your own decisions. That's how enablers are made).
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~ Pema Chodron
I believe that. I believe that we make the same choices until we learn that there's a better way. One fascinating aspect of watching my own behavior is that I like to observe the learning curve. I recognize the pattern, and the time that it takes to address it grows smaller. I like these days, when I feel like I can see myself learning, growing. When I choose wisely, I am rewarded by happiness. Sometimes, the sadness of a poor choice is in itself its own reward, because then I can try to figure out the lesson that needs to be learned and work on it. And either way, I choose to be happy, through the doubt, through the sadness, those things are fleeting. I still choose to be happy. My life is not perfect. I yearn for many things to be different.
Because I am curious, and because I like to try and think of new ways to expand my brain, I like to play a trick on myself. Anyone who has had any reason to ask me for advice (and, terribly sorry, even if you haven't asked, you may have heard this, one of my favorites) will have heard me say, "the thinking that gets you in is not the thinking that will get you out." I let that sit when I'm sitting in a space of discomfort. What was it that I did to get here? What "moves" did I make to end up in that particular situation or predicament? Chances are I can trace some of my own patterns back, and if I change one or two things about the way I react or act, I'll get a different result. I think to myself, "Well, girl, you've done it. You're mired in a shit space right now. What are you going to do to figure it out this time?" Sometimes I do nothing. (I'm reactionary - or at least I was. So a big lesson has been to let it ride, or as Shana likes to remind me, "Be like water." Thank you, Bruce Lee.) Sometimes, when doing nothing has yielded unpleasant results, I do something. Sometimes, all I can do is reframe the way I think about the problem, and then it becomes an opportunity - a puzzle to solve.
Unhappy? Change it. Reframe the way you think. Start feeling gratitude for the ability to recognize that you want to change. Take the blessing, and then move on from there. When you reframe the way in which you view your life, you're given little windows of clarity here and there; portals into the lives we can live - that we deserve to live - but are so often unable to do because we're rooted to the spot with uncertainty and platitudes of obligation. Obligation has its role, but it is not to tie you to the spot where you stand, miserable and longing for a life that is full and fresh and optimistic.
I started an experiment a few months back. I decided to say "Yes."
Remember the post on How to be Happy, for free? I've been following my own advice. Seems to be working pretty well thus far. With a group of supportive individuals around me (y'all know who you are, my precious possums) I've been able to come to a point where I am:
- taking an aerial class (and getting some awesome muscles)
- spending less time doing nothing (twitter/facebook loafing) and
- spending more time creatively active
- reading more books
- sending articles to credible, respected online sites and getting published
- taking our beer group to new levels
- working more freelance graphic design & moving towards plentiful work
- stressing less about the day job
- traveling more
- sharing enthusiasm
- being myself
- making choices to propel myself forward
Yes to friendship. Yes to adventure. Yes to dreams and living wild and creatively and using your ingenuity to figure out new things. Yes! You meet more great people who are enthusiastic about life, people who are out living, really LIVING their lives. It's amazing.
I like it.
Yes, yes. Also, yes.
ReplyDeleteThank you.